09.01.08 - Practical Help for your Job Interview - Elfstomper

Ahh, The Interview. How delightful it is to hear that phone ringing with sweet acceptance. You my friend have been chosen by someone who is deeply in love with your stuff…so much so that they want to meet you in person to get into your…resume. Things are looking up, but hold up there buddy, your not hired yet! You have to get to work before you get the job. Its time to prepare for your interview!

What should you expect? Two people on opposite ends of a desk shooting the shit right? Maybe it was that easy once, but not anymore. An interview isn’t a collaboration of questions you both want to ask, rather, it is an audition, and if you don’t act the part and read your lines on queue, then you sir, are screwed. So be a good little robot actor, work has already begun!

First your have to waste your time researching the company. Look for important things you can formulate questions about. If you get stuck, just copy the text on the website or advertisement that made you apply to the company in the first place, redirect it and turn all the periods to question marks. For example : On the company advertisement, just change “ We offer a competitive salary” to “Do you offer a competitive salary?”. Remember, the more questions you ask, the better your chances are of netting the job…its just the way interviews work. Your interviewer is basically going to do the exact same thing you are, except they will be using your resume instead of the job advertisement. If you run out of questions, you can always just ask about pointless things like whether the parking lot is safe, or if they have vending machines on the premises. The only question you CAN NOT ask is anything pertaining to how much you will be paid. Why would you even think about asking about money? Is that why you want to work? Such nerve! This topic really pisses off interviewers, so be safe, pretend you are going to work for free.

Next , you are going to want to get your materials ready for the interview. You really only need three things:
1. Your “script” of prepared questions you already know the
answer too.
2. 10 extra copies of your resume, because for some reason, your
prospective employer doesn’t know how to print out the copy you already
sent them.
3. An expensive suit to interview in.

What?! An expensive suit?! Do you think you will get the job if you are out of character? Of coarse not! Why would any modern day yuppie professional want to work along side someone wearing khaki pants and a polo shirt…after all, that is the usual dress code, but not for you, Mr. Interviewee. You got called in for the interview because your resume makes you sound rich and interesting.

Remember to stay in character. For some reason its perfectly fine for the interviewer to leave her question sheet in plain view, you however, are not allowed. Actors don’t get to carry their scripts around do they? Hide your question script and do not let the interviewer see it! If the interviewer does catch a glimpse of it , she will view you as weak, and lunge across the desk in an attempt to bite your throat. Why not store it in your expensive leather bound portfolio folder prop that you only use for interviewing because, as you know, there is no other reason to own one.

When everything is prepared and you look like the Monopoly guy, all you have left to do is make your 30-second commercial. This is very important, because when the interviewer asks you to tell her “a little bit about yourself”, you are going to be glad you had a well rehearsed summary of your life at your disposal that you can grunt out in monotone. If you go in there and answer “ Well, I’m a hard working funny and creative guy who loves to work as part of a team”, then you are screwed!! That is defiantly not in her script! Plus you will have kept the interviewer’s attention. You see, the 30 second commercial is her perfect opportunity to tune out .All interviewers look forward to this 30 second mental nap, that’s why if you spike their attention , you pretty much automatically loose the job.

In closing, immediately following the interview, shake hands, keep eye contact and politely walk back to your car. When the company building is out of eye shot, you can un-tuck your shirt, loosen your tie light a cigarette and scream profanities at the top of your lungs. Congratulations, the audition is over! Now all you have to do is send thank you notes, thank you calls, thank you flowers, chocolates, Mercedes Benz SUVs and wait for the “will she/ won’t she” call. 27 out of 28 times, the company won’t call, especially if the interviewer said “ You will definitely get a call next week” during your fourth follow-up call. It’s all just part of the game!

Now that you know everything you need in order to win an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and a screen actors guild award, you can likely grab that job!
Good luck!

10.12.07 - When should you start having sex? - Elfstomper

“When should I start having sex?” a question that has plagued church going old ladies for centuries. Do you wait for marriage? Do you give it up to the town drunk? Or do you go for the spray and pray tactic by running to the nearest sidewalk, pulling down your pants and meowing feverishly while bending over? All are good questions, but fear not, for I have the answers you seek my inquisitive virginal explorer!
Using my powers of foresight, I feel your first question is “ Should I wait for marriage?” Since this question has popped up in every newspaper advice column for the past 7,412 years, I feel I am learned enough to answer it. Should you wait? Survey says: YES. You should wait for marriage. If you are the kind of person who even needs to ask this question, wait it out. You obviously have no sexual desire, or at least enough of a lack of sex drive to envision a sexless future as you worm your way through 9,000 awkward no-reward dates looking for the one undesirable woman who MIGHT marry you just to learn the ropes. The rewards of having sex prior to marriage are vastly superior to waiting! From the one night romp with the daughter of a prominent media tycoon, to the mystery of how many offspring you planted in various parts of the world, to the scratch and sniff mystery of who gave who what STD…. and did you collect the whole set or do you have to trade Wanda down the street for one you missed? By reaping the rewards, you are literally packing yourself full of stories you can tell the grandkids or the poor girl who you force to listen to all of your sexual escapades as she has no choice because she is stuck doing her laundry next to you. So go ahead, wait for marriage , and while your at it , you may want to familiarize yourself with what a douche bag is, because your going to get called that for the majority of your life.
Being such a good advice column writer, I tire easily. So I will try to avoid all the rest of your questions. What? One more? Ok fine…. I’m guessing the next question is “At what age is it appropriate to become sexually active?” Well I will start by first telling you at what age it becomes inappropriate – When you need Viagra. The blue V isn’t a sexual enhancer , it’s a crutch. If you need it , then your body has given up on you. It’s handicapped. You have a penis handicap and therefore deserve a handicapped parking spot and a #1 grandpa mug. Yes, I understand that sometimes people in their early 30’s need Viagra too, but there is something else they need as well: a closet to walk out of. Come on man! You’re a young buck with a totally smoking horny half naked lady in front of you and you cant get it up?! Put the blues in the closet and then step out of it pill head. If your with a woman who looks like a cross between Jabba and Andre the Giant, then relax man, you don’t need the blue V, you need some running shoes so you can get the hell out of there! But I digress.

At what age is it appropriate to become sexually active? Well , my advice is this: If you are old enough to read a Dr. Seuss book, then you are old enough to rub your nuts on it. If you rock a sit and spin, then I suggest you sit and spin! Now, I don’t suggest you have intercourse with anyone until you are at least 16, because that’s just bad Jookie Sea Captain. Also, while we are on the topic, never have sex with a Sea Captain. What you can do however is have sex with the furniture. There is no better way to learn about wood than by getting deeply acquainted with every kind of wood in the house. You should also be having sex with the household pets and nearby barn yard animals. This will help you become acquainted with the feeling of some actual furry smelly flesh before you dive right into the real thing and as an added bonus you will get a real in depth look into what “ heavy petting” entails. If you choose to hump a pie like on the movie “ American Pie” , at least do the decent thing and make sure someone is going to eat it afterward , like your parents, that’s nice and creepy. Remember, people are starving in Canada.

Tune in Next Time, when I answer all your questions about drugs!

22.11.07 - We're all doomed - reptillikus

Saving this one for posterity:

Only in America....
1.......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2.......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.......do stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4.......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5.......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6.......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7.......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8.......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9.......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. (thats not the actual translation of 'many' but its still funny)
10......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( I have no other time to dry my hair).
On a bag of Frito's: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how...?)
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." ( But, it's "just" a suggestion).
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well... a bit late, huh?)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...noooo...really?)
On packaging for a Rowena iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and.. .I'm taking this because...?)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to... what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

	16.05.08 - rip - reptillikus
	RIP Bunners 12.10.2006-5.15.2008

	forensick.net:.::