the forensick archives

29.08.04 - For Those who Reed and Right - reptillikus

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why
shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face! it! - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England. We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,
boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?

Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down,
in which you fill in a form by filling it out,
and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

If Dad is Pop, how's come Mom isn't Mop?

21.07.04 - did you know? - reptillikus

got this in an email. Some of this stuff ive posted before, but most i havent. (or atleast i dont remember posting it)

Did you know?
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The state with the highest % of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this....)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 & lived in China in 1910.

The youngest pope was 11 years old.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of cards represents a great king from history:
Spades- King David,
Hearts- Charlemagne,
Clubs-Alexander, the Great
Diamonds- Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

Q. There are more collect calls made on this day than on any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day

Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.

Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snooping in your medicine cabinet.

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.

In Scotland, a new game was invented. It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden.... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.

And finally....
At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

11.03.04 - Upgrading to Wife 1.0 - reptillikus

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself so that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Some applications such as PokerNite 10.3 , Bachelor Party 2.5, and Pubnite 7.0 are no longer able to run on the system at all, causing the system to lockup when launched (even though the apps worked fine before).

Wife 1.0 provides no installation options. Thus, the installation of undesired plug-ins such as Mother-in-law 55.8 and the Brother-in-law Beta is unavoidable. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features my friend would like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:

A "don't remind me again" button.
Minimize button.
Ability to delete the "headache" file
An install feature that provides an option to uninstall 2.0 version without loss loss of other system resources.
An option to run the network driver in "promiscuous mode" allowing the the system's Hardware Probe feature to be much more useful/effective.
I myself wish I had decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 3.0 Even here, however, I have found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 4.0 on top of girlfriend 3.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 3.0 first, otherwise the two versions of Girlfriend will have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. Other users have told me that this is a long-standing problem that I should have been aware of. Guess that explains what happened to versions 1 and 2.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 3.0 doesn't work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another identified problem is that all versions of Girlfriend have annoying little messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0!

VIRUS ALERT

All users should be aware that Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Once that happens, Mistress 1.1 won't install and you will get an "insufficient resources" error message. To avoid the aforementioned bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and " never" run any file transfer applications(such as Laplink) between the two systems.

FYI: Don't even think about a shared directory!!!!!!!!!

18.02.04 - new date rape drug - reptillikus

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A date rape drug on the market called "Beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps, and in large "kegs."

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply asks him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before-often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.

At other times, these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." It has been reported that in extreme cases, the females may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer form of servitude and punishment known as "marriage."

Apparently men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by predatory females. Please! Forward this to every male you know. If you fall victim to this insidious Beer and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

04.02.04 - Commandments Of The Garage - reptillikus

1. The garage shall be forever kept as the sacred realm of the Man. No lacy curtains nor gingham privacy panels shall be allowed on the windows of the sacred garage.

2. The garage shall not be cleaned, except in cases of extreme need, such as when a pair of holy Vise-Grip locking pliers hath gone missing.

3. Sawdust, grease, and oil are the holy sacraments of the garage, and thus must never be disposed of in haste or with malice.

4. Honor thy rags.

5. Complaineth not when the Man's Friends cometh over to work on a four-wheel-drive vehicle on a Thursday night until 2:00 a.m. Be thee grateful that the Man and his Friends are not attending stimulating performances of voluptuous harlots at Shotgun Willies on this evening.

6. Thou shalt not remove the beer bottles from the front yard before work in the garage hath yet been completed. Yea, the front yard must be considered an extension of the garage when the garage door remaineth in an upright and horizontal position.

7. Honor the Man and his Friends at all times, even when one of these Friends droppeth a heavy steel truck wheel in the driveway at 12:30 a.m., awakening thyself and wrathful neighbors who calleth to complain.

8. Storeth not antique doll houses in the garage.

9. Thou shalt not ask the Man to bring in the groceries when you see that his hands are greasy, or that he is underneath a car working on the evil U-joint.

10. Adjust not the volume of music that playeth in the garage. Impose not your questionable music tastes on those who savor the druidic chant of Rage Against The Machine at 11 p.m.

11. Borroweth not the hammer of the Man which hangeth in position on the blessed pegboard. If thou breakest this commandment, at least have the courtesy to place the hammer back in correct position on the blessed pegboard. No, putting it on the workbench isn't good enough---how wouldst the man know to looketh there?

12. Tools of the garage shouldst remain in the garage at all times, excepting when the Man shall use them for home repair, in which case the sacred tools must remain wherever the Man leaves them, verily including even the kitchen counter and the upstairs hallway.

13. Leaveth not the tools of the Man on the back porch, lest they become rusty from rain.

14. Loaneth not the tools of the Man to your fishy work friends who hath not earned tools of their own.

15. Pulleth not your car into the garage whilst a repair doth transpire in the other bay. The space is needed for many great deliberations and ritual beer drinking. Considereth any snow removal that may be required from your vehicle the next morning as a small penance to pay in comparison to the bloody knuckles, hangover, and bodily suffering borne by the Man.

16. Closeth the trash can at all time, lest the stinking odor of cat poop foul the air.

17. Covet not the eleven Phillips head screwdrivers on the Man's pegboard, and cast not thy insults on the Man's need for additional screwdrivers in the future. Each screwdriver serves a unique, substitution-impossible purpose.

18. Thou shalt not remove the multitude of straightened, oddly-formed, spray-paint-encrusted coat hangers dangling from the garage ceiling. Resist the temptation to dispose of these humble tools, and your rewards shall include a freshly painted iron planter---as soon as the Man finishes working on his bike, car or four-wheel-drive vehicle, of course.

19. Maintaineth a minimum of six yo-yo's (retracting tape rulers), or findeth not one when needed.

20. A man's worth shall be measured by the number of cans of partially used spray paint on his shelves. However, the Man will never have the right color for the job at hand.

21. Obey the Flat Surface Rule. Always put down the tool you are using on the nearest flat surface. Then look for it elsewhere---stoppeth for a beer when discouraged.

22. Respect the large piece of cardboard against the garage wall. The Man useth it to lay on when he is under the car. Touch it not, lest lightning strike thee dead.

23. I sayeth to you: No sweeter sound ever shall be heard than thy own air impact wrench in thy own garage.

24. Thou shalt love the smell of grease as thou loveth thyself.

25. Take not the name of GOJO Creme Formula hand cleaner in vain, especially in the fruity lemon scent.

17.01.04 - Dear Employee... - reptillikus

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department use, we are forced to cut down on personnel.

Under a new plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting retention of younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

The program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees may also request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This review phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an
appeal with upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income from Dependent or Spouse).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or
SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its program of employee development through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT).

We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

Once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

The Management

25.12.03 - holiday spirit - reptillikus

One snowy December, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute Christmas shopping done. I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season just then. It was dark, cold and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my truck up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy.
I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I would probably need later on, so muttering under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.
As I was searching the wet pavement for the missing receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing nearby. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy, who I guessed was about 12 years old. He was short and thin, and had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold winter night's chill.
Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten separated from his parents and was lost, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story he said that he came from a large family of three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was 9 years old. His mother was poorly educated and worked 2 full time jobs, from which she made very little to support the family.
Nevertheless, she had skimped and saved $200 to buy Christmas gifts for her children. The young boy had been dropped off by his mother on the way to her second job, given the money and told to buy presents for the kids and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, however, when an older boy grabbed one of the $100 bills and disappeared into the night.
Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked. "I did," said the boy. "And no one came to help you?" I wondered. The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head. "How loud did you scream?" I inquired. The soft spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"
I realized that absolutely no one could have heard this poor boy's cry for help.
So I grabbed the other $100 and ran to my truck.

04.11.03 - words women use - reptillikus

:: FINE ::
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use 'fine' to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

:: FIVE MINUTES ::
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

:: NOTHING ::
This means 'something', and you should be on your toes. 'Nothing' is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing' usually signifies an argument that will last 'Five Minutes' and end with 'Fine'.

:: GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) ::
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 'Nothing' and will end with the word 'Fine'.

:: GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) ::
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a 'Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead' in just a few minutes, followed by 'Nothing' and 'Fine' and she will talk to you in about 'Five Minutes' when she cools off.

:: GO AHEAD (with a smile) ::
This means you can do it, but at a cost. At some point in the near future, you are going to have to indure some sort of torture with her such as shoe shopping!

:: LOUD SIGH ::
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A 'Loud Sigh' means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over 'Nothing'.

:: SOFT SIGH ::
Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. 'Soft Sighs' mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

:: THAT'S OKAY ::
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. 'That's Okay' means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. 'That's Okay' is often used with the word 'Fine' and in conjunction with a 'Raised Eyebrow'.

:: PLEASE DO ::
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a 'That's Okay'"

:: THANKS ::
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

:: THANKS A LOT ::
This is much different from 'Thanks'. A woman will say, 'Thanks A Lot' when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the 'Loud Sigh'. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the 'Loud Sigh', as she will only tell you 'Nothing'.

16.08.03 - Hell O Wilmington - Elfstomper

The American Pastime. Sharing family togetherness while exploring a great American locale, new to both yourself and your imagination. This is the framework for an adventure which took place not to long ago and unfortunately, not near long enough. Perhaps this post will persuade you to unlock all the mysteries of this king of Strange Land known as Wilmington Delaware.

Our adventure begins on a hot and sunny Friday morning and august. Myself and Ratslayr are pacing back and forth at noon in awe of the boredom which has settled in from weeks of nothing but videogames and the occasional girlfriend visit. In the boredoms stagnation, a voice popped into my head and muttered "road trip.....road trip". Voices in your head should never be ignored, A.K.A. "THE HOLE�, so the plans for the day were set and a Road trip it would be. But where?

It didn't really matter. The force of the boredom was too strong. They lyrics of Less Than Jake: "packing up and heading south, their heads full of hopes and dreams" set the course. The purpose soon became clear as we saw the end of the NJ turnpike fade and passed the Delaware Memorial Bridge. DELEWARE! ...what�s there to do in Delaware? Lisa Simpson's guiding voice could be heard all around �I want to see WILLMINGTON". So it was off to Wilmington.

What wonders awaited us here? Ratslayr and myself could only guess. Maybe there is a beer factory! Perhaps a Mall? Parks? Cool monuments? No. We were about to enter a town, NO! A culture NO! a society different from anything we have ever seen before. With just a black SUV blaring the most obnoxious white people music we could find, these two white boys entered the MORDOR of all American Ghettos. Insert Lord of the Rings theme music here. All of my training: Trenton, Newark, West Philadelphia, even Harlem. Nothing could prepare us for the thrills of this adventure. Here are the events which allow our experiences to guide us in naming Wilmington the "GREATEST GHETTO IN THE WORLD AWARD".

A view of the Wilmington skyline greeted us as we approached our first apartment style buildings. Boards graced every window in sight. Abandoned buildings we thought at first but the great abundance of deadbeats sitting on the stoops proved otherwise. Do you know those plaque like signs you can often find in front of statues? Yeah we passed one of them on the left at the start of our ride. Except it wasn�t in front of a statue... or anything that looked like it deserved attention. The fact that it was under a corroded graffiti covered overpass didn�t help either. scratching our heads and shrugging our shoulders we ventured forth.
The Fun begins. I hate air conditioning, so all my windows are down. Traffic is backing up to the background of people screaming. Loudly! Ghetto Loud! so Ratslayr and I look in the direction of the argument which is ensuing to find only two old men sitting and talking. They aren�t yelling. Hell their mouths aren�t even moving! Try as we could we couldn�t find who was yelling or even grasp a good direction to look to. It consumed the whole road. Heads were turning in cars but the neighborhood folk seemed content to this Phantom argument. Once again we progressed.

Now we see a man in jaywalking. myself and the car in front of me going about 35 miles per hour only 300 ft from him. He dosent care, and neither does the driver infront of me. With jaws dropping at an accelerated pace we stared in awe of the red honda about to barrel into the man. At the last second the man doubles back at 3x Homeboy ghetto pace which is still about 3 times slower then us normal suburban people mind you. However the young ghetto woman behind the wheel of the red Honda swerves over 2 lanes of traffic to road ragingly try to hit him. OHHHH missed by a hair!! Ratslayr and my self scream DOH!!! As we watch the Honda drive 50 more feet to the next red light in bitter defeat. Looking back we see the HomeDOG point with his BOYZZZZ at the red Hondas direction. So we pretend to disappear from this fiasco by blasting Dark Tranquility and acting too white for the situation.

We journeyed on. Corner after corner of hair weaving and braiding shops graced our eyes. What else did Wilmington have to offer us? We had already seen so much. Looking right we then saw a man shouting at what looked like someone in a car. Upon further investigation the target of the harsh words was that of a car.... A locked car. A locked car with no one in it. figerpointing and granny fisting at an inanimate object was where we drew the line. It was like being in a foreign country with no previous research to the country�s strange customs. When we finally got to the nice 1 block of commercial buildings, we turned around and took one last stroll past the boarded windows and rage against the inanimate objects which we had come to love. On this pass however, we had something to give back to the community. With all windows open Ratslayr and I rapped about Wilmington. In Loud Ghetto argument style yelling we rapped our hearts out to the ghetto we grew to love so dearly. Faces on the street seemed confused by our gesture. Maybe they just weren't ready for us yet. We learned a lot that day. It was the scariest and yet, most provocative 20 minutes of our lives. Wilmington, maybe one day our paths will cross again. This time we will be ready, hell Rattler really wants some of those Cornrows your street corners offered up, but we hope you still have some surprises for us.

In closing.... I really miss heebing Lakewood.

Keep on Truckin!

-Elfstomper

31.07.03 - It's tough being a man... - reptillikus

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay,this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp.
If you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it's wife bashing.
If she thumps you, it's self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert.
If you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.
If you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try! to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!!!!

09.07.03 - we the people.... - reptillikus

The following has been attributed to State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA. This guy should run for President!

"We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bed-wetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights."

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be ... and like the rest of us you need to simply deal with it.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful; do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV, pool tables, weight rooms or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have a job, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of part time jobs, education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to PURSUE happiness -- which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

ARTICLE X:
This is an English speaking country. We don't care where you are from. We welcome you here. English is our language and like the one you left behind, we also have a culture. Learn it or go back to the country and the living conditions you were fleeing.

08.07.03 - A Diet that Works! - Elfstomper

If there is one thing I can not get enough of, its fat people screaming and crying that they cant loose weight. "I've tryed this, I've tryed that, nothing works!!". Remember that quote from GTA3? "I've tryed everything!" "yeah except dieting and eating right , right hunny?" "Thats right!". Its funny because its true! time and time again I hear people complain about their weight. Repeatedly. But yet they remain fat and complain. Why? Because they do nothing! Complaining will only burn so many calories which that supersized McDonalds extra value meal with the 2 extra applepies will only put back x8000.

Well heres a diet that works!
THE LIQUID DIET

Its simple, so simple and it works!

Heres the story...
On June 6th I went in for reconstructive jaw surgery. It sucked but no where near as much as the aftermath. I was told I would have to eat only liquid food. AHHH no regular food! what was I to do! and to make matters worse, I was forced to quit drinking and smoking for the surgery. No solid food made me hungry . No smoking de-suppressed my appetite and made me hungryer. NO BEER MAKE ELFSTOMPER GO CRAZY and even more hungry! But i went through it anyway . I had to.

So how does this pertain to dieting? easy! you fat people wouldnt be fat if you would stop eating for a damn week! Going into surgery I weighed 187 pounds. According to some online weight checker i was 2 pounds shy of being underweight. Anyway my daily diet consisted of a slimfast for breakfast, a slimfast for lunch and somekind of soup broth for dinner. After about 5 days of this I started to feel weak, but once my body got used to it with nice amounts of sleep, (about 2 days later) it was clear sailing and i was used to the barely any food diet.
After 2 weeks (YES 2 WEEKS)I was down to 170 lbs and at this point i started eating vegetable rice and small pasta rings with cheese or pasta sauce because i didnt have to chew it. Peanut butter too. It has now been a month and im down to 164 lbs. (which is really underweight for my age/height) but im trying to prove a point. Look at that! i lost 23 pounds in a month and how? I STOPPED EATING CRAPPY FOOD!!!!
Itll work for you too! Give it a shot!
After the liquid diet for a month or 2 , start eating healthier foods and exercise at least once every 2 days and youll love your new appearence. LIQUID DIET WOO HOOO!. Me personally , I want to eat a whole bunch of crap to get back to 187, but Im gonna eat better and exercise to put the weight back on in the right places. Good Luck!

11.06.03 - birthday bliss II (?) - Bryan

yes it is true, i have embarked upon the years of the twenty
i remember my teenage years as if they were but a few days ago

i was reading last years birthday post (volume 16 in the archives) so i decided to just rip it off like some dorky garage band using rifs and beats from old misfit songs.
so here we go. the revised version:

i don't feel taller this time. and i don't think my facial hair is growing back faster, i know it is. every time i see my girlfriend, she is yelling at me to shave. and my "wayne static super long chin hair thingy" (tm) is still getting long. it is now long enough to tie the bottom. but yeah, lets skip the chit chat and get straight to the loot:

Warcraft III Frozen Throne (exspansion) Fully paid reserve!
Queens of the Stone Age - Songs for the Deaf this album kicks way too much ass for a band that is new. they rock.
an I.O.U for coil springs on my power jimmy. sweet deal
new pair of sneakers
DvD Mayhem:
Ghostship: good movie about people who scavange old boats in the sea, but get a boat thats haunted ooooh oooooooh not scary, but cool as hell
Old School: that college frat movie that is supposed to be funny as hell, have not watched yet though.
GWAR Skulhedface: another GWAR movie! cookass!

and 100 freaking bucks! wooo hooo!

so i thought i'd touch upon the models that i had purchased last year...
the Ford Bronco i bought for reptillikus is sitting in his room, untouched
the lifted Chevy pick-up i bought for Kortam is sitting in his room, untouched
My 77 Ford Courier pick-up: frame and body is painted. engine and trans are painted and assembled. custom solid front axle suspension is in the works using the axles off the big foot. the big tires are being fit with the big rims and the courier rims are attached to the inner well of the big foot rim. actually looks good. i never bought a mustang for the exhaust or motor, cause they cost like 15 bucks. i did however get a 72 Nova and a 55 Chevy pickup that i want to lift (both). if i can find a 4wheel drive model with matching wheelbase i can steal it's frame and axles and tires for the nova...cookass!
maybe in another year i'll finish mine and those two will take theirs out of the box

but yeah, i can't think of anything else. i got cool shit. and lots of stuff to play with. again.
to steal a quote (from myself (from last christmas))

"i think i'm gonna go attack some Spotty Bulborbs and drag their corpses back to my onion to harvest more Pikmin. yeah. sounds like a plan"

23.05.03 - The way of the ricers - reptillikus

1. Image
Remember, your image is extremely important as a riceboy. Therefore, make every effort to point out how popular the rice scene is. Appeal to how many people are building cars like yours. Brag about how the import scene is more than just a trend; it's a revolution. The urge to conform is a powerful force, and use it to your advantage whenever possible.

2. Opinions
In a debate, your opinions count as much as real facts. If you think that Mustangs are ugly, that counts for just as much against them as being a whole second faster in the quarter mile. Remember, facts take time to look up, whereas opinions only take seconds to dream up.

3. Horsepower
To estimate your own car's horsepower, take the stock hp rating, and add in the highest estimated power gain from each mod you have done. To estimate the horsepower of an American car, take its stock horsepower rating, and deduct 10 to 25 hp for it being a POS. Make no adjustments for mods. Remember, Japanese horsepower is better quality than the horsepower found in an American car. If you don't know how much horsepower an American car has, assume it has either 30 hp per liter, or 200 hp, whichever is less. If you only have the engine size in cubic inches and don't know how to convert it to liters, make up for this by talking about how much English units suck.
You can never emphasize hp/liter ratios too much. Always brag about how this is more efficient, and just ignore ignorant comments like, "Well, the S2000 makes 120 hp per liter, but it guzzles gas like a V8!" People who make these comments just don't understand that Japanese cars are always more efficient just because they are Japanese, and Japanese have more efficient technology. If somebody reminds you that your car still has less horsepower, talk about what would happen if Honda built a V8 with the same specific output as a Type R, or about what kind of performance a Mustang would have if it had only half the engine size. Some domestic trivia buffs may be able to come up with examples of small, high performance American engines. Just ignore these remarks; you're not likely to win if you try arguing about such cars. Concentrate on V8's instead.

4. Weight
Assume all imports weigh approximately 2,500 lbs, including Eclipses and Supras. Extremely lightweight cars like the CRX and Miata are exceptions. These should be assumed to weigh under 2,000 lbs. Assume all domestics weigh over 3,200 lbs at least, preferably over 3,800 lbs. The exceptions are really huge cars, such as the Chevy Impala or Crown Vics. These land yachts should be assumed to weigh over 5,000 lbs. If a domestic owner mentions something which you have no choice but to admit can't weigh that much, make fun of whatever POS he's come up with, and claim nobody in his right mind would want to be seen in something so ugly. See section 8, Pintos.
Never, ever actually look up the curb weight of a car. If you make up your own weight figures, you can make the difference in weight look all that much more impressive. Constantly brag about power to weight ratios and how imports are better in that respect, even if somebody does the math and proves that many stock domestics have better power to weight ratios than your car.

5. Handling
Japanese cars handle better than American ones, and small FWD American cars handle better than pony cars. This is to be taken as an article of faith; you don't need any evidence to claim this, and shouldn't bother trying to bring up any evidence. Most domestic owners are primarily concerned with drag racing, so they seldom study enough about handling to argue this point. If someone does attempt to argue this, reply with some mumbo jumbo about how solid axles date back to the days of horse drawn wagons, and leave it at that. Do this even if your own car has a solid axle rear suspension. Also emphasize that light weight means better handling. See section 4, Weight. Emphasize that a large V8 up front makes for poor weight distribution, and neglect the fact that FWD cars frequently have even worse weight distribution.

6. Milage
Brag about how much more mileage your car gets as often as possible. This is one area where you can be relatively certain your car performs better than muscle cars. The fact that muscle car owners usually don't care too much about mileage doesn't matter. Some may be content to get 25 mpg or so with a modern fuel injected pony car, so claim without proof that their cars really get 16 mpg or worse. Assume that older big block muscle cars get less than one mile per gallon. Always use city mileage estimates for domestics, and highway mileage estimates for imports, to make the gap seem as large as possible.

7. Quality control and reliability
American cars should be presumed to be built to 1978 levels of quality control. When you wish to demonstrate how much more reliable your car is, use either Consumer Reports or an account of some American car built in the late 70's or early 80's that some family member owned and afterwards swore never to by another American car. Brag about how your car is going to last 150,000 miles, and state that none of the domestics owned by your critics will last that long, even if some of them have somehow managed to keep a domestic car on the road for over 200,000 miles with an unrebuilt engine. Remember, closing your mind is your best defense about being confused by facts.

8. Pintos
The Pinto should be used as an example of how badly built American cars are. Treat all American compact cars as modern day descendants of the Pinto. Ignore any comments about sick minded people who have either raced Pintos or stuffed V8's into them, or people with a sick devotion to meaningless trivia who have memorized such obscure data as the fact that only 27 Pintos ever caught fire due to being rear ended. Remember, image is what counts here, not reality. Pintos have a horrible reputation, and you should use it for all it's worth.

9. Progress and technology
It's an indisputable fact that cars have become better built, more powerful, and more reliable since the late 70's. Since you were probably born sometime in the late 70's or early 80's, what was built before then doesn't count anyway, so you can safely assume that newer is always better. Remember, many American V8's were designed even before the 70's, so they must be even worse than the cars designed in that decade.
Never pass up an opportunity to mention any kind of technology found in your car that is not found in traditional American muscle cars. It doesn't matter how useful or useless this technology is, if it was invented by the Japanese, or even if you have a clue as to what it does; proclaim it to be a sign of Japanese technological superiority. However, you should at least make an effort to spell the name of the innovation correctly.

10. Street racing
The best way to estimate the performance of your car is by what you've been able to beat in a street race. Your kill stories should have the best spin on them possible. For example, if you drive past a parked Corvette, claim you found a Corvette and blew by it like it was standing still. They don't have to know that it really was standing still. Or race vehicles such as dump trucks and conversion vans so you can claim you beat an American V8.
Never post a timeslip if you can avoid it.

11. Magazines
Study up well on magazines like Consumer Reports and Super Street. They provide great arguing material. It's best to avoid magazines that cater to the enemy. Don't even touch books that cover serious, in-depth analysis of engine or chassis tuning. Your status as a riceboy is at stake here.

12. When all else fails
If you can't refute anything the people you are arguing with say, call them rednecks and/or accuse them of being gay. These will get them angry without actually requiring you to think about their arguements.

07.05.03 - why 4x4s kick ass - reptillikus

Just because i know you are all dying to know how the trip to Paragon went, i decided to be a nice guy and post some info about it:

After packing tools for almost every scenario on thursday, we left for paragon friday night. Yeah, hotel rooms kick ass.

Saturday's weather really sucked. Rained from the night till the early
afternoon. Pretty hard too, until about 9 or so. Made for a day of very wet, slick rocks! We met up with my buddy Dan in his white YJ, another guy (name unknown) in a lifted cherokee, and Lee, who has a SAS'ed dodge raider. Everyone was either locked or welded (raider) in the rear. The YJ and raider were locked in the front.
The first trail we ran was the trail that claimed my passenger-side grab handle a couple weeks ago. This time i caught the tree again, and due the slippery wet rocks got stuck on the fender pretty good. I ended up having to get strapped up and off the tree/rocks

We ran some pretty hard trails that day. All rated high blues (2-3) and black 1. (Just so ya know, after black 3, there is only red, which you cant run without having park staff to witness, as they are beyond difficult/dangerous)
We were on a trail called Rattler (one of the parks harder trails) when the cherokee almost caught on fire! Suddenly smoke starts pouring out from under his hood!

Turns out his tire flexed right into his fender, cut the wire for his aux. lights, which then grounded out on the fender, and tried to burn a hole through his positive battery cable! This jeep had some pretty amazing flex, so its not that surprising that it happened anyway. Check this one out, right after we fixed his electrical problem. Check those fenders! He definitely needs another 2-3 inches of lift on that thing

But back to the bronco!

This was where it started getting hairy. This shot isnt bad, but shortly after i came real close to rolling!
Came up a rock, and suddenly i was teetering! Fortunately, dan and matt were there to jump on the nerf bar to bring the passenger side back down on the ground. No prob climbing the rest of the way up after that one, but hard to get pics of a bronco on 2 wheels when your cameraman is hanging off the side of your truck!
Shortly after i found a nice rock to get wedged on pretty bad, it was shaped in a manor as to grab a hold of the front and the back of the rear diff at the same time!
Enter axle carnage here:

It got so hairy that i was forced to drive backwards about 20' and bypass the second half of the trail, as it was fruitless to even attempt to go any further. Somehow i dont think the truck is cut out to handle their black-rated trails.
We ran all three parts of Whompum after that, without any real problems, and then headed down to 'rubicon lake', which is where the sand pit is. By now it wasnt raining anymore, which was great, but we were all more or less soaked by now so oh well. We were all playing around for a little bit, 'till dan's passenger Flex (aka brian, but not that one) finally managed to get him to roll his jeep!

He tried pretty hard to flop it over, and in the end (after the second or third try) was successful! It flopped over to slow that the only damage was to the plastic fender flare. Not even the mirror was bent! We winched him back onto his wheels, checked some fluids, and off we went! That was more or less the end of the day one.
Enter dinner at Perkins, a shower, and then lots of sleep!

Sunday......
....we rode with a bunch of full-size trucks. Woohoo!

3 dodges, one chevy, one ford, and a samurai that belonged to one of the guys from Kodiak.
There were two more....a blazer

and a huge suburban....

...who blew a ujoint, taking out an axle shaft, while trying to remove the blazer from the previously shown mud-hole. That was within the first five minutes of the day! Yeah, he was pretty pissed. While they were both being extracted, i managed to climb the hill (with almost no effort) that gave me so much trouble last time
Shortly after that the rest of us left to go trailing, only to get about 1/3 of the way down our first, and get trapped behind a group of H2's! Slow does not begin to describe these guys...i think they forgot exactly what it means to go "off-road". They were lead by Lee, the owner of the Raider from the previous day's trail ride.
We ran easier trails this day (as opposed to the black one from saturday), so i dont have as much pics, since we were pretty much cruising non-stop all day.
Theres one trail, called Spare Tire Crossing, which is a river crossing, and it gave us some major
problems. The 79 bronco was leading, and he came down into the stream ok, but the next dodge (Matt's; 7" lift, 36" swampers) came down a little too slow, and got caught on his xmember real good.

So good in fact, that we couldnt winch him off it!

We tried strapping him into the crossing, but that didnt work either, so we ended up hi-lifting the front end up, stacking stuff under his tires, and snapping him backwards till we got him free. About an hour later, we were successful. Short wheel-bases are great, as i went right through it with no prob.
Here's me showing off my trail damage (yeah, i hit that nerf bar later in the day too, which was the first time ive hit em!)

And heres a beautiful shot....the engine thats in that 79 bronco....472 cubic inches of big block power!!!!

We did about five water crossings during the day, but they were all alot easier than Spare Tire Crossing. On our way out near the end of the day, the chevy clipped a rock and blew a tire. Talk about a bad way to end your day! Right through the sidewall, too.

Once we got off that one, we realized we had some more time, which meant it was time to find a mud hole!
broncos always look better covered in mud!

So after that, The sammi and chevy left, and we went off for one more trail. New, as yet, unnamed, and very cool. But once things started to look good, my volt meter started getting funky on me. Soon enough, im out of power, and out of steam!

Yep, had to get towed off the trail, and out of the park to a texaco down the road. About a mile total, without power to turn or stop! One of the guys from Paragon's staff was cool enough to call around for me to find an alternator, seeing as it was already 6:30 on a sunday. Also, the driver of the dodge (who is also named Matt) who got stuck earlier was kind enough to do the towing, and then to bring me to 'da Zone (autozone) so i could buy an alternator to drive home! Unfortunately for him, he blew his rear axle the next day. (God dammit people, extend those vent lines already!!)
Monday was when i learned the full extent of damage from the trail. Me and matt were on the road when all of a sudden, a wicked shudder came from the front end of the truck. We quickly pulled over to figure out what the hell was going on. Well, we ended up finding this:

Yeah, thats not supposed to be net like that. However, that wasnt the shudder! Turns out (after much aggravation) that the pivot drop bracket for the passenger-side half of the front axle came loose, which was allowing that entire half of the axle to move around under the truck! And after all is said and done, the problem is fixed and my front-end alignment is better than it was when i left for the weekend.

I have all the pics from the weekend online already (this is just a few of them) in my 'trail rides' section, but i have not finished writing the html for them yet. Soon!

	21.11.03 - cna yuo raepet taht? - reptillikus
	Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is tahtthe frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?!