09.04.03 - Gods and Television - Elfstomper

Time and time again , I visit this site to check out the new rants on forum. Every time on, I stare at the mail page and think about new things I could write about. Unfortunately, nothing would come to mind that could possibly fill more space then two sentences. Thus the need for this post! Everything that has been pissing me off for the last month or so , rolled into one giant Doob of opinionated poop. Hey, that’s funny! I just realized you can use that expression to describe anyone! Well here we go!

First on my list – The media’s coverage of the war. With the great reality show push over the past three years, It came as no surprise to me that every news station producer creamed his pants when President Bush said “Were gonna smoke em’ out of their holes!” There is no better entertainment then live action explosions , looped, re looped, figure eighted and recycled on every station twenty four hours of the day followed by old guys giving a play by play of where the bomb hit, why it hit, why he thinks we did it and how he would do it differently. Somehow in the midst of all this excitement, all the “news” (reality entertainment) took a ratings plunge, followed by a room of execs fingering their heads in confusion. Reality-shows = ratings right? Yeah , but you have to remember your audience remember, who watches American Idol except women who are 7-17 with under developed conformist minds, and housewives aged 38-55 with nothing better to do. Since all the cool action would happen in Iraq between 3 a.m and 9 a.m. here in the states, who was up to watch it? I know I was, but that was only when I would stumble back drunk from the frat. Mind you, it was nice slow T.V.! They would make sure to grab my attention with 25 minutes of live camera panning before they surprised me with gun fire! Note: the 3 am time is 4 hours too late for our lady viewers who would rather put on lip gloss and drive horribly then watch guns fire. No one wants to watch the crappy recycled coverage during the day either. There’s your ratings plunge you butt nuggets. Now to remedy this, make sure your filming something getting blown up every 5 minutes all over the world 24/7. Thanks.

Next up – Mad TV – So were moving now and there’s nothing left in the house to watch except good ol’ network TV. Flipping through the channels I find Mad TV. Perplexed by its existence in the year 2003, I decided to give it a watch. I thought comedy shows were suppose to make you laugh , not piss you off! That’s all this show succeeded in doing. You can always spot the shows with the bad writers. This show was a mystery however. I couldn’t tell what was worse, the comedy , or the acting. It really reminded me of my first camcorder exploitation videos. Remember, like in 8th grade when you would hold it up and say “Bill look! I’m recording, now do something really stupid”. Well that’s Mad TV. Same crap – Better equipment. Its kind of like jackass minus stunts that would drop your jaw and anything you would remotely think is funny. This show has been on a few seasons now and I don’t know how. Ill laugh at anything , but next to Sponge Bob Square pants, Mad TV is the biggest piece of crap on TV. That new show “The Pitts” is running up in a close third right now, Ill let you know how that shapes up.

Finally – American Idol- Wow this show SUCKS! HOLY CRAP! I rub my eyes in awe of the utter boredom America must have succumbed to in order to find complete crap like this entertaining! I can understand the first week or two of reject after reject and a snooty Englishman’s criticisms, but this show goes on for months and months of karaoke! Shitty disco songs and clothes that the media wants YOU the VIEWER to wear.
The worst part, these kids competing to be an American idol don’t realize even if they win , they will only be famous for 2 weeks. That’s the attention span of youth these days. There are no idols anymore, unless you consider GANGSTA rappers who live to go to jail an idol. That’s who the teens idolize these days. My advice to the American Idol kids… Go to college and get a job!

In short, its no wonder alcoholism is so big in this country. What the hell else is there to do ? The media is both our god and our worst enemy. But sometimes I guess our enemy can also be our friend. Thank you history channel!
-Elf

21.03.03 - random conplaints - reptillikus

So ive been inspired to post again. That doesnt happen very often, so it must be something important! Yeah, right.
Usually i stand firm in my belief of not caring about anything, but the time has come for me to vent. There are several items id like to touch upon.
First off is the 'war'. Now, normally i dont like to comment on all this political crap, but this time i just got to. First off is the anti-war protests going on at colleges around the country. Are our peers so fucking retarted that they think that everything can be solved with a smile and handshake? Do they not realize that Saddam is killing his own people in the name of power and glory? I guess not. God damn you you fucking tools, open your fucking eyes!!!!
And lots of people are worried about getting bombed. But with what? These guys barely have an army, and they dont have an airforce. What the fuck are they gonna do, strap rockets to the back of their camels and walk em across the atlantic?! NO! And havent you ever heard of the Anti-Missile Defense system? I mean, we did go through a cold war with a country much more dangerous than one nut with a mustache and a grudge. We know what we're doing.
Oh, and one more thing: duct tape and plastic will not save you!!

There is a show on Showtime's 'Latenite Television' on fridays, called "Penn & Teller: Bullshit!". They pick a topic of discussion, and rip it apart. Fucking hytserical stuff. Today they touched upon Self-Help, and fire-walking, and all that fancy crap. Oh my fucking God, when did the american people become so fucking stupid and gullible that they think that walking on hot coals will solve their life problems? I cant help it that youre a fucking moron, but if you walk on these coals, your life will instantly be all better!

And now for one final complaint. I grabbed a bag of Cheez Waffles today, cause, well, theyre damn good. But then i noticed that it actually doesnt say 'Waffles', it says 'Waffies'. WTF??!!!!

17.03.03 - DONT BE A WEATHER HIPPIE!!!!! - Elfstomper

Ever wonder why so many people tend to get colds and other ailments in the month of march? "Why its the blustery weather ol' chap" some may say, but I know the truth. The real reason why people get sick is ... They are a bunch of morons!!!! Heres some examples taken from my experience at college.

After a few days of teeth to the grindstone cold, it was time for class. Like all the days before this one, I threw on my heavy winter jacket, put on my hat and wrapped my neck up in my scarf. After a swing of my backpack I was out the door. The walk to class was a bit nicer then it been on the previous days. The sun was out and it wasn't abruptly windy, but there was a lingering , grab at your balls type of breeze about. Walking into Hawthorn, I was oblivious to the stupidty all around me. Luckily I woke up after my nap in class to realize that everyone was being completley absurd.
"WOW, its nice out today!" "Its such a nice day" and "isn't the weather beautiful" could be heard muttered by everyone. I was confused, Sure it was march , but it was still hella cold outside. Looking at my scarf, I wondered if I would be ousted as a social outcast if I put it back on. The weather seemed cold, but against my will , I threw the scarf in my backpack and made for the student center.
It was there I heard more of the usual great weather comments. Passing all the people with windbreakers and other light coverings, I sat and ate lunch with my brothers. The virus had gotten to them too. "great day today huh?" NO! i couldnt take it anymore ! it was cold and something needed to be said! When I said that it was near freezing and the sun wasnt helping anyone, the looks on their faces seemed to call for a quick castration of my boys. So i went out and had a cigerette, only to see the most retarded facet of the day. A guy walking around in a T-shirt. Thinking mabey I was the insane one, I unzipped my jacket and finished my cigerette. Fighting to keep warm I walked back to my room, zipping back up along the way. When I finally got back to the appartment, where I thought It was safe, joe presented me with a greeting of "great day isn't it" to which I exploded in rage.

Determined to prove myself as a sane individual, I logged onto weather.com and weather bug. I KNEW IT! I WAS right all along! the temperature was 37 fucken degrees outside with a projected high of 40! People are walking around in t shirts complementing the weather and that damn ball biting breeze in near freezing temeratures!

Needless to say , A few days later , Alot of the voices that complimented the beauty of that day were absent from class. A load of friends penned up in there room from flu like symptoms. Me sitting at my desk smiling and laughing and mother natures cruel joke.
Lesson to be learned. We all want march to be warm, but most of the time , it isnt. It may have been 70 outside today but last year it was 41 and it probobly will be next year. If you think the weather sucks. say it sucks! dont be another weather hippie! There are penalties for being a weather hippie like sickness!The rewards of laughing my ass off at you stupid people are reward enough. Thanks nature!

12.03.03 - picture yourself - Bryan

driving down the street on a nice sunny day. you come across a funeral procession leaving the graveyard. it looks like they already did the whole funeral procession ordeal, and now they are headed for dinner. you slow down your truck, and wait. you tell yourself that you don't have to wait for the cars, but you decide to be nice and let them all out together. some of the people in the cars smile and wave at you, happy for your consideration. you glance out your mirror to see a woman driving her nice clean white toyota celica. she inches up to your truck, and decides she doesnt want you to be nice to these people. she wants you to go so she can get on with her busy life. as the woman blows the horn you decide to let it ride, and turn up the volume on the stereo. unfortunate for her that the eagles cannot drown out her horn, while she flares her arms at you and mouths some kind of profanity no doubt. you decide that this woman needs to have some respect for the folks leaving the cemetary. you light a cigarete and put the truck in park. as you open the door you push your sunglasses back up on your nose and turn to look at this woman sitting in her car yelling at you. having heard enough, you take the cigarete out of your mouth and yell to the woman to have some goddam comon decency for the people leaving. you add that she should take a few minutes of her precious fucking time to show some fucking respect to the fresh meat in the ground. you are sure she can squeeze a few minutes out of her busy fucking schedual, so you tell her. she looks at you with some minor dismay and blows the horn again telling you to get back in your truck and drive. you then yell to the woman to get out of her car and honk that god forsaken horn again. she looks as if you are about to pull a gun out when you laugh and tell her that if she could honk the horn when she was outside the car, then she would have enough braincells to turn around and go the other way. she stops honking the horn, sits quietly, with her arms on the steering wheel. as you take the last drag of the cigarete, you flick the filter in her direction, nod your head and get back in your truck. feeling as if you did a good deed, you glance at the people leaving the cemetary looking at you like you just commited a sin. no more are the smiles and waves, instead there are gasps and glares. so much for respect.

on a lighter note, imagine yourself in the deli earlier in the day, you are waiting for your lunch and a woman whips her Geo tracker into the parking lot, rush inside and make a large cup of coffee. she gets in line behind you, but decides that she needs to be served before you. she approaches the desk, throws four quaters on the counter for her dollar twenty cup of coffee and yells over to the clerk if that is enough. when he says no and mentions that it's a dollar twenty, she huffs, reaches into her bag and procures a penny. she mutters that she is in a rush to get to the hospital. the clerk tells her that if that's all she has, then it's ok. she snatches the penny back off of the counter, rushes back to her geo tracker, gets in and leave in the same direction she came. you laugh, look at the clerk as he hands you your lunch and comment that she was in a big hurry to get to the hospital, so she went out of her way to get a cup of coffee for the ride.

26.02.03 - Recent issues...Hey that rymes with tissues! - Elfstomper

I must apologize for my absence as of late, but I needed to take some time off. Apparently my posts on Football and the Chinese portal theory seemed to piss off the entire eastern seaboard of the U.S. and just about all of China, Japan and the Orient. But that’s ok, at least now we all know your dirty, dirty little secret...don’t we!

Well timid and ready to pounce, this little doggie will make a whole pile of stuff for you guys to play with. First up! The Rhode Island Night Club FIRE! Now you might have seen this stuff flooding the airwaves lately. Apparently a band playing "The Station" night club used pyrotechnics against the will of the club owners and burned the place down. 97 dead. The band.....GREAT WHITE. AHH HEMM. I said Great White. Yeah can you imagine all of these people chanting "the roof is on fire" to a band as flamboyant as Great white? Well it happened, and as a result 97 people died. What’s to be learned from this? 3 things. (1)Night clubs should have sprinklers. (2) Bands like Great White are retarded for even using pyre in a place as small as "the station" and (3) Satan really, really doesn’t like it when you flash the devil sign to a band as gay as Great White.

Next Up the Hartford Connecticut Nursing Home fire. This just happened early this morning but already it’s all over the news. 10 elderly people were killed and 23 were hospitalized in this fire. A suspicious crime they say. Open for speculation. Think about this all damn day because we know you the viewer have nothing better to do. Yeah sure, they have put it all in our minds, but they are missing the point. THIS IS AN OLD FOLKS HOME! People put their elderly in homes like this for one reason and one reason alone. TO DIE!!! They go to homes like this because these people's own sons and daughters, the fruits of their labor, don’t want anything to do with them! So now I ask myself , WHY SHOULD THE AMERICAN PUBLIC CARE ABOUT THIS!!!! Ahh the media hard at work again.

Any more people die in fires this month? I am sure. Its pretty much hell on earth lately isn’t it. I hear America already has casualties in the war on terrorism to. 4 dead in a helicopter crash. Our armed forces hard at work as well I see. My opinion.... WE need a reason to party for a change, like if a group of 10,000 no blood for oil hippies magically got killed by , I don’t know Iraqis or even wild rabbits. Ahh life would be good.

22.02.03 - French History In A Nutshell - reptillikus

Currently making the rounds in the military community: The Complete Military History of France

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

-Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

-The Dutch War - Tied

-War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

-War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk Frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

-World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador, fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

07.02.03 - Remeber Jane? - reptillikus

This is old, but in bears being posted. This is 100% true, which is probably why it pisses me off so much that people like this can go on with their lives like theyve done nothing wrong

KEEP THIS MOVING: HONOURING A TRAITOR

This is for all the kids born in the 70's that do not remember this, and didn't have to bear the burden, that our fathers, mothers, and older brothers and sisters had to bear. Jane Fonda is being honored as one of the "100 Women of the Century." Unfortunately, many have forgotten and still countless others have never known how Ms. Fonda betrayed not only the idea of our country but specific men who served and sacrificed during Vietnam.

The first part of this is from an F-4E pilot. The pilot's name is Jerry Driscoll, a River Rat. In 1968, the former Commandant of the USAF Survival School was a POW in Ho Lo Prison-the "Hanoi Hilton." Dragged from a stinking cesspit of a cell, cleaned, fed, and dressed in clean PJ's, he was ordered to describe for a visiting American "Peace Activist" the "lenient and humane treatment" he'd received. He spat at Ms. Fonda, was clubbed, and dragged away.

During the subsequent beating, he fell forward upon the camp Commandant's feet, which sent that officer berserk. In '78, the AF Col. still suffered from double vision (which permanently ended his flying days) from the Vietnamese Col.'s frenzied application of a wooden baton. From 1963-65, Col. Larry Carrigan was in the 47FW/DO (F-4E's). He spent 6 years in the "Hilton"- the first three of which he was "missing in action." His wife lived on faith that he was still alive. His group, too, got the cleaned, fed, clothed routine in preparation for a "peace delegation" visit.

They, however, had time and devised a plan to get word to the world that they still survived. Each man secreted a tiny piece of paper, with his SSN on it, in the palm of his hand. When paraded before Ms. Fonda and a cameraman, she walked the line, shaking each man's hand and asking little encouraging snippets like: "Aren't you sorry you bombed babies?" and "Are you grateful for the humane treatment from your benevolent captors?" Believing this HAD to be an act, they each palmed her their sliver of paper.

She took them all without missing a beat. At the end of the line and once the camera stopped rolling, to the shocked disbelief of the POWs, she turned to the officer in charge and handed him the little pile of papers. Three men died from the subsequent beatings. Col. Carrigan was almost number four but he survived, which is the only reason we know about her actions that day.

I was a civilian economic development advisor in Vietnam, and was captured by the North Vietnamese communists in South Vietnam in 1968, and held for over 5 years. I spent 27 months in solitary confinement, one year in a cage in Cambodia, and one year in a "black box" in Hanoi. My North Vietnamese captors deliberately poisoned and murdered a female missionary, a nurse in a leprosarium in Ban me Thuot, South Vietnam, whom I buried in the jungle near the Cambodian border.

At one time, I was weighing approximately 90 lbs. (My normal weight is 170 lbs.) We were Jane Fonda's "war criminals."

When Jane Fonda was in Hanoi, I was asked by the camp communist political officer if I would be willing to meet with Jane Fonda. I said yes, for I would like to tell her about the real treatment we POWs received different from the treatment purported by the North Vietnamese, and parroted by Jane Fonda, as "humane and lenient." Because of this, I spent three days on a rocky floor on my knees with outstretched arms with a large amount of steel placed on my hands, and beaten with a bamboo cane till my arms dipped.

I had the opportunity to meet with Jane Fonda for a couple of hours after I was released. I asked her if she would be willing to debate me on TV. She did not answer me.

This does not exemplify someone who should be honored as part of "100 Years of Great Women." Lest we forget..."100 years of great women" should never include a traitor whose hands are covered with the blood of so many patriots. There are few things I have strong visceral reactions to, but Hanoi Jane's participation in blatant treason, is one of them.

Please take the time to forward to as many people as you possibly can. It will eventually end up on her computer and she needs to know that we will never forget."

25.01.03 - The Million Dollar Question - Elfstomper

What would you do for a million dollars?

I’m pretty sure just about everyone has had this question asked to them a good amount of times in their lives. This is a good question to ask people. The is a great question because it doesn’t just invoke a fantasy driven hum-drum response it reveals what type of person your talking to . This question is actually a test to see how down to earth a person is. In addition this test can determine how open minded people are, The strength of they’re morals, how ethically they live, but most importantly how in touch they are with reality.

We all know what a million dollars is, and just about everyone I know has an exact plan of what they would do to spend their million. Unfortunately no one yet has this million. The question being asked is "What would you do for a million dollars?"
When you ask someone, "would you bury yourself in a pile of cow shit for a million dollars?" and they without even asking "is it hot cow shit" and "how long do I have to stay buried in it for" outright just say no they deserve to get kicked in the head because they are stuck floating outside of reality. We are talking about a million dollars here. I can live the way I live now and never have to work for 10 or more years with a million dollars. Is a 10 year vacation worth a dive into cow shit? Well I believe it is. Hell, I would even do it for $100,000 butt naked, and Id stay in it for 24 hours. "But what about the embarrassment you will feel for the rest of your life?" some say. Embarrassment? Some one comes by and offers to give me $100,000 to bury my self in cow shit, and I actually do it and get paid and my life is easy street for awhile. Am I supposed to feel embarrassed? Hell no!!!

What if someone asked you to cut off your pinky finger for a million dollars? Some people, like one of my friends said no because he is a musician. Well that makes sense and is a reasonable answer. But how many people actually make it in the music industry? Would you loose one hobby you enjoy to pick another one up for a million dollars? I know I would. Plus there’s always the chance that your pinky can be reattached.

The trickiest one would be the guy question (for guys). Would you perform a sex act on a guy for a million dollars? Down the board about 95% of guys will say no to this. You have to think. Hey is a night or less of my time doing something I don’t want to do worth a million dollars? Most definitely YES! Just about everyone works, and a good percentage of those people don’t like their jobs, but they do it everyday for next to nothing. Imagine getting paid a million dollars for like an hours worth of work that really sucks. Once again you can live like a king for like 5-10 years because of that. "But that would make me gay!" No you stupid asshole!! Would you like having sex with a guy? If you did, then that would make you gay .I sure as shit know I wouldn't enjoy it, but I would be able to weigh the night of torture against a million dollars, and the million definitely tips the scales on this issue.

The movie that made this question famous of course in Indecent Proposal. In the movie, this rich ass tycoon guy pays that woody guy a million dollars to sleep with his wife. They go through with the plan and then feel shitty for the rest of their lives. This movie isn’t anywhere near close to reality. Why?

1. About 75% of women have cheated on their boyfriends and about 50% of them never feel an ounce of remorse.

2. If a guy with tons of money has to pay a million dollars to sleep with a girl then obviously he must totally suck in the sack. Why even worry that your wife/girlfriend is enjoying herself.

3. They felt bad that their marriage was "violated". Ohhh COME ONN!! It wasn’t sex, it was a business venture. She’s not going to cheat again. Women who sleep with other people who want to will always do it again. Demi Moore's character didn’t want to; But Hey! A million dollars will buy anything!"

So in short, If anyone ever offered you a million dollars to do anything short of paralyzing yourself, cutting off an arm or leg, or diseasing yourself, Then you damn well better say you’ll do it or you Sir or Madam are a PHONEY and a person with a sub par brain. Just think, most of the stuff that sparks these questions takes place on JACKASS and CKY everyday.

Swimming in shit for a Lamborghini -ELF

24.01.03 - what grade should you be in? - reptillikus

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
(The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs do on three legs?"
(The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

17.01.03 - who are you, and what in gods name are you babbling about, anyway? - reptillikus

So im beginning to notice that my posts over here at the main page are becoming more and more sparce, so i figured id bring everyone up to speed. First off, New Years.
New Years days is a retarded holiday. Look, its a new year, YAY! Lets all get drunk, so we can go to work hungover, yay! Fuck that. I watched cartoon network, when i could have been asleep.
Other than that, ive just been way to busy to find the time to write a post over here. I am happy to say that the truck has fully recovered from 'the swamping', and functions just like it always did, except louder, cause the exhaust leaks more now. Ill fix that in the spring-time. Can you say headers? I thought you could. Actually, i have more pics from that event, i just got them online two days ago. I even got some video footage from my trip to Paragon Adventure Park in PA (back in october), so hopefully ill be able to get some of it online. If not, then a select few of you will be able to watch it over here on the 'small screen'.
I managed to score a great deal on a set of solid axles for the truck, which i should hopefully be picking up next weekend. That means that this spring i can rid myself of that horrid excuse for a suspension system that is IFS! And then today i scored a set of mounted 35" mud terrains for a steal of a price. Tires will go to steve (to replace his bald as fuck 33's), and the rims (which are the exact rims i was gonna order from Kodiak) will hopefully go on the truck next week.
I never put my interior carpeting back in. its not goin back in. In another couple weeks, the interior of the truck will get rhino-lined, and thatll take care of that. Its so much easier to clean the mud out of the interior of a truck when you can use a hose.
I went to the poconos for a week (the third to the tenth), and since then we've (me, matt, bryan) done a bodylift on the jimmy (also began working on 'new' front axle), and pulled the tranny out of the bronco II. We pulled the engine out of it back in december, and now were getting ready to install a body lift on that so we can clear a 302 in it. Might even do a Solid Axle Swap on that, which would bring us up to 3 SAS's to do this spring/summer.
And now tomorrow im off to DE with dave to check out a jeep for him.

Whats that, you have no idea what i just wrote? -Its a truck thing, you wouldnt understand.

16.01.03 - a philosophy lesson - reptillikus

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous -- yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else -- the small stuff.
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

12.01.03 - Chinese Portal Theory - Elfstomper

Just about every American has, or regularly frequents Chinese food resturaunts. Who can blame them! the food is increadible! Just for this short time while reading this post, pull your thoughts from the bottomless buffet tabels we all know and love to ponder something more mysterious. The chinese resturant portals!

Every chinese resturaunt I have seen as of late has one or two of these giant portals gracing it's walls. Thes portals, or "landcape murals" often depicts a really nice tranquill scene somewhere in the orient. They may just be something nice to look at out of the corner of your eye while your dinning or waiting for takeout, but do not be fooled! There is much more to these murals then meets the eye. They are infact portals which take the employees of these resturaunts to and from work every day!

Lets face it. Its one hell of a commute from China to the U.S.A. and the chinese know this. In order for Chinese resturants to become so popular and capitalize with America's urban sprawl, the chinese needed a speedy route to get their goods and human resources to their resturaunts. Thus the portal was born. Be it technological, magicall or steallar, they found that the portals worked and they began popping up in every chinese resturaunts. The newer resturaunts seemed to be built strictly around the mural.
Testimonial: "One day I witnessed a new chinese store coming into a stripmall where I worked. Curious as to what It was, I peered into the window of this new store, and noticed nothing to hint that it would be a chinese food resturaunt, except this mural on the wall! Later the store popped up around it! It was amazing! they came strait through the portal and the store was completed in like 2 days! its the only way it could have happend!" -Mike

The Facts

1. Chinese resturaunts dont just close down for the night, they close. PERIOD!. you never see them cleaning up, all of a sudden , the lights are off and they are gone. Sometimes 18 people working, just up and gone.

2. You never see them opening. They just open out of nowhere! lights on , food prepared! SUPER HAPPY FAST SERVICE!

3. You never see large groups of hardcore traditional asian people walking around town. The mall, the movies, the grocery store. NEVER! But you go into one of the 9 million chinese food resturaunts and theres always like 18 working and 9 more just hanging out by the counter. Where do they come from. the answer CHINA!

Its everyday that they find there picture frame opening in china, and just walk through into their american chinese food store. No border stops, no 36 hour travel time. Large groups, hundreds, thousands, millions! come over to make us the sweet sweet noodles and deliver up fortune cookies with mysterious cryptic messages like " You will buy more chinese food or die". Its China's best kept secret! While we enjoy the food, the chinese profit like crazy with the Chinese to U.S. exchange rates . Its probobly the greatest buisness venture ever recorded!

With this hypoteses in the air for testing, just remember 2 things befor you venture out into the world of science.

1. Chinese food rocks! but it will run though your system in the matter of an hour or two.

2. If you find the secret behind what makes these portals work, EMAIL ME!!!! I could really use a nice portal to Atlantic City.

10.01.03 - Football. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!! - Elfstomper

I was going to think of a really catchy opener to this post, but I cant even write it untill I get this out.Football fucking blows, have you all lost your marbles!

Everywhere I go...EVERYWHERE as of late, I cant take two steps without someone talking about the damn NFL. What are the Jets going to do, what are the Eagles going to do , The Giants got robbed. I give a sigh of grief to all of these people because they dont realize how pathetic their lives really are. These people seem to think if "their" team wins that their lives will actually change or something.
I refuse to belive my life will be changed or halted so I can waste 3 hours of my life watching a field full of 60 or more people who can do nothing with their lives but play football while at the same time getting paid more then I could ever make in my life 3 times over. And what do they do? They play football and travel the country doing it. Some may call that recreation. Football is a constant reminder that you dont have to provide a valuble service to be rich, and it pisses me off. "ohh sure they do! Football is a tough game and they are pros, so they get paid what they are worth", some say. Bullshit and Shanangins! I say to them! Tell that to the local highschool and the college teams. Do they not work just as hard? why are they not making millions of dollars?
Media induced self worth Id call it. No one watches the highschool teams becasue the media says we HAVE to watch pro football. I care nothing for the season, whos in the playoffs or who makes the superbowl. Even though its sacrilidge to Americans to miss the superbowl, I havent watched it in 4 years. If I do watch it this year, it will be strictly for the commercials, which are the only things in my opinion that make the superbowl actually entertaining.
Another thing.... What is the point of a football game to begin with? "Wow philly may play NY!!!" I bet you 10 or less of the players in their entiretly from those teams are from philly or NY. What is it, a territory war? OHHH the sheer pointlessness. The only thing it effects is how much $ the players of that team are getting payed next year, and who gets the honer or wearing a flashy gold ring. None of which effect my life in the least. Nor does it effect any one elses.
In closing this year , if your team WINS the superbowl, Check your bank account. Im sure It will be exactly the same. Look at your hand, see the gold ring? I didnt think so. Ohh and make sure you go out and buy your teams superbowl congratualory hat, because Im sure their marketing dept. needs money. People arn't just playing football. Football is playing you.

07.01.03 - Why trust microsoft? - Ratslayr

Ok, i can't stand it anymore. Microsoft, if you are scanning any wab pages and actually run across this post, take it like a man and accept your failure.

I can honestly say in my years of using computers, programming on different platforms, and making fun of other platforms, all the while trusting microsoft products, that i have finally accepted the truth. Microsoft couldnt produce a working program if their future depended on it, And it does!.

We start with DOS.
We all know that DOS was one of the most stable platforms up to date. Why? Because microsoft did not program DOS. it was stolen and reprodiuced.
Duplicated Operating System.

Next we have Windows 95. This was Microsoft's first attempt at programming a real operating system that wasn't completely a DOS overlay like 3.1. However, if any of you remember, we say more blue than results.

Then came Windows 98 which was basically windows 95 with some improvements to keep it up to date. Basically adding hundreds of lines of code and failing to repair the old broken ones. Soon the new lines conflicted with the old ones creating thousands of bugs and even more blue screens to help us enjoy our work day.

Soon Windows 2000 hit the home consumer market. I was one of the first few supporters of win2k and i still am in ways. It truely is the best product microsoft released AND THATS NOT SAYING MUCH. After about three years of NO SUPPORT BY ANYONE and hearing companies say "Windows 2000 was built as a professional operatiing system and not meant to be used in the home.. we will not support you" things fianlly started to turn around. Now it seems to run well, With teh exception of service pack three which just FU*Ks everything up again.. But, i still see many crashes and hangs during a SINGLE DAY.

Now Microsoft releases Windows XP "Based on the 2000 kernel" Now, I thought this was a great thing!. An OS that was 2000 with support for new decvices.. Oh how i was wrong.. Somehow they found a way to make it HARDER to get device drivers and support at the same time BREAKING and already working OS!. How do they base an OS off an old one and not make it compatalbe!!! All i know is that when you put a laptop with XP to "sleep" it never wakes up.. A simple feature found in ALL OS's and what was working perfectly fine in 2k. Its also rumored that until XP SP1 the sleep feature actually harmed your hardware! secret secret...

So congrats to microsoft on destroying yet another operatiing system and for causing me to switch to apple.

Since i switched i have had a computer that is 10x as fast. Does what i want, and never crashes. Running OS X which is pure BSD UNIX and not apple OS, i found what i was looking for all these years. A computer that does what it's supposed to do. I even run windows2k INSIDE A WINDOW , TRANSPARENT!, without any lag. When my laptop goes to sleep it wakes in less than 1 second and runs the stability and reliability of UNIX.

So, until microsoft brings itself out of it's blind greed and produces an OS that lives up to what it claims, i predict the death of the corporation in less than three years.

05.01.03 - NYcity wants to ban toy guns... WHY?!? - Elfstomper

Growing up, I was obsessed with toy guns. Just about every line of toys I owned revolved around toy guns. G.I. joe let you command your own little army, Army Gear featured little army bases which would turn into weapons at your command and the characters of MASK had cool vehicles which would turn into small War machines of death. Guns are cool. Growing up with those toys, would I ever not let my future kids play with toy guns? Not a chance!
Playing army with toy guns in the back yard comprises some of my best memories. Nothing felt better then finding a gun that looked real in the store and spray painting it black instead of the cheesy neon green it came with. This is exactly the reason NY CITY wants to ban toy guns. When they are spray painted black , they are just to realistic, or so the officials who thought up this horrid plan instead of thinking about ... important things thought.
This plan to ban toy guns comes from the killing of a 17 year old inner city kid by a police officer. The officer shot the young man because he brandished a black "toy gun", and in the officers 4 second period to react, he decided it was treatening enough fatally shoot the kid. This gun that is termed a "toy" was actually a pellet gun. Is a pellet gun a toy? no! some pellet guns have been proven to fire faster then 22 caliber rifles. That officer could have seriously been injured. So what is all the fuss about? Is wasting time banning toy guns really worthy of anyones time?
If they are banned in New York whats to stop someone from going to one of the 600,000 stores that border the city to pick one up. Ohhh dear! the world will go into a tailspin then wont it!!!
What people have to remeber simply is this:

Guns dont kill people, people kill people. And with that statement its easy to say If you point a gun , Even a toy gun, at an officer of DA LAW, then you deserve to die.

Lets stop crying over these retards that get killed pointing toy guns at police officers! Instead lets take a sigh of relief that these idiots got put in they're place before they did something else dumb which would hurt other innocent people.

24.12.02 - beyond strange - reptillikus

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an
imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the
hibernal darkness when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself
- thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule, aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium, or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese,
jocund, multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task, he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in lateral
juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self same assemblage, my sincerest
wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn."

08.12.02 - 2 stories from the A-Z book of screwed up women. - Elfstomper

Well its that time again. FINALS. Everyone knows that when finals come around, an average day looks something like this : Eat , sleep, study , study, take test, study , puke, study , take test, eat sleep study and so on. So im gonna take a week vactaion from posting. To give you guys something entertaining to read I made a little anthology from the archive section. With me just breaking up with girlfriend of a year and some odd months, Ill be back in the single pool looking for that lucky lady. To make sure I dont make the mistakes of my past, Im returning your eyes to the Fat Girl Alphabet stories! Enjoy!

The Story of 'R'
Sure there are many things that bother us on a day to day basis, but none are more annoying then the occasional Fat girl. Overweight, Obese, chunky, big-boned, you can PC it all you want , I don't care, you're still FAT! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I despise all fat people. Well maybe I do, but the worst kind is a fat girl that thinks she's skinny. One such example comes to mind of just recently. In the past I have expressed to friends and acquaintances my fetish for girls who pierce their nipples. I don't know why , but the first pierced pair I saw almost made me rupture my brain from sheer joy. Well this got back to a girl who herself is walking the road to fattown, and me being the fat magnet that I am, naturally attracted her. This girl, we will call her 'R' for safety's sake, is well into the chunky stage. To further pound an evil image into your head i'll add that she has a bowl haircut, no neck and gums three sizes larger then a regular persons gums. Anyway , one day while walking to my friends dorm room , I saw her. First thing she said to me was, "Hey , I've got something you have to see!". All I could say was "ohh noo." No sooner then I said that in blatant view of anyone who wanted to see, she pulls her shirt up very slowly . Why I didnt look away, only god and my sheer curiosiy knows. What I saw next scared the crap out of me. 2 pierced boobs? no, it was more like 2 pierced Lumps, sagging ever so un-gracefully, like a plastic bag filled with ork lo-mein. I thought if I stared at them long enough , noodles would start popping out of the holes. Sadly the first thing I noticed in the midst of all this was her unusually pear shaped stomach. It reminded me of my friend bill back in 1995, before he grew up and lost weight. This incident made me reconsider how I felt about nipple piercings. I think back to the first nice pair I ever saw and I just don't feel the same. The moral here is, That fat people ruin everything. My advice is, if you're fat, Dress like a fat person and dont pierce your nipples because I for one, do not want to see it, and the rest of the human, and most animal, populations will thank you.

THE STORY OF 'L'
Ahh another year back at school.When one thinks of school usually books, grades and old deformed teachers come to mind, However, to any male student age 13-uh.. when it dosent stand up anymore with out the help of our friends, drugs; what school really stands for is the never ending quest for booty. Ok now you guys can misconstrue that however you would like, hell with that , I meant QUEsT FOR BOOBIE!, there thats better. As you know i usually have the worst run-ins with the ladie folk, and keeping with tradition , i present to you the new chaper in my book, "the A-Z book to screwed up women", titled, 'L'.

Its a Friday night, the mood is right, for lOVE! So like any other college guy , i cruised the nights party scene. After about an hour of hearing nothing but the occasional tale of the frat party , i decided to call up and old friend. For keeping with the secrecy , we will call him THe catapillar killar, or CK for short. CK told me that nothing was really going down but that i should come over because hes having a "few people" over. Now ive heard this phase muttered about a hundred times from the mouth of CK so I knew better that there would be a party going on. I headed on over and not to my suprise, there were about 20 people in the apartment , a good 14 of em women. I have to give credit to CK, he dosent fuck around when it comes to getting girls over. Well up on my scoping I saw this girl that i took an intrest in. We will call her crazy thong. or cheif for conveinence purposes. This leads me to the introduction of L.

Now as you know hot girls that arent complete sluts always travel with one out of the ordinary girl to make themselves look better. Such is the case with CHeif. I figured a good tactic would be to talk to this outcast of the group, "L" ,to get closer to cheif. Now in L's case, she wasn't ugly , or too fat, but she does have a wide range of the chub and a huge ass.A huge, flat ass, one that you can see from the other side of the parking lot. Take a male football player in all the pads and now image that as one large mass of flesh. you get the picture.
Well apparently my plan didnt work , cause me and L stared hanging out , then one thing led to another and now , being that they are friends, chief will no longer be obtainable. My mission has failed and i crashed and burned. Now L calls me her "husband". 5 days have passed since i decided to cut commuications and my inside sources tell me that she still thinks were together. Jesus christ talk about stupid!!!! Now i have to let her know that there is no relationship. The question of the hour, should i try not to hurt her feelings? or let her crash and burn like i did. Then of coarse there is the "No communication for an extended period of time approach" the key to that is seeing how long i can go till she notices that im not talking to her.

Update: One year and some odd months later, I still havent said anything. I think she got the point.

If theres a lesson to be learned from L, its "HEY DUMBASs! THE TALK TO THE UGLY GIRL TO GET INTO THE GROUP" approach dosent fucken work. DONT TRY IT!!!!!! Ill update in a week to let you know how the prison term is going.

FINals: College's substitution for herpes.

03.12.02 - 7 Crazy Steps to Becoming a Better American - Ratslayr

In light of all the crazy stuff happening in the past two years and with this one coming to an end, I figured that I would enrich your lives with a few simple steps you can follow to become a better American.

1] Whenever you make a mistake, such as dropping a priceless vase, Purposely not handing in your 20 page term paper, Or even shitting yourself, Just blame A.D.D. Yes, thats right. We all know that every american is diagnosed with ADD, But what you didnt know is that all of your problems can be blamed on it.. And its ok afterwards!!!.. Example, "Oh no!. Sally just shot Billy, What? She has ADD.. HAHAHA OHHHHH OK".. See? It works great!. Plus you get extra time on any tests!.

2] Probebly the most important step to becoming a better american is to GET FAT! Personally this is a step that I will not take part of, but it's true. You have to go out, eat yourself to obesity and then buy a membership to a gym that you will never use.. Osmosis does not work with gym memberships...

3] Hate your country. Yes, hate your country. In order to be a better American, you have to Hate the country you live in. If we go to war, Protest. If the grass grows too fast, Protest!. You also have to believe that your opinions and your voice actually make a difference.. Yes, you have to be a complete tool..

4] In order to have any sort of respect and standing in America, read Elfstomper's post "How to make your own Billboard Top 10 Pop/Rap song" two posts down... Also it helps to use words such as "busta", "bling bling" and any "uhta" words which make "yo" sound like an uneducated "gangstah".

5] It is extremely important to allow your five year old boy to wear 22 pound silver chunks around their necks, sweatshirts & pants that are five sizes too big. Maybe it will help them grow strong and tall, or maybe it will just make them look like the uneducated tools you raised them to be. Dont forget to allow any piece of clothing that is 100 dollars more than it cost to construct. Be sure to teach them proper english.. "Bling Bling motha fuckahhh".. Grandma just loves that one.. Also be sure to tell your five year old daughter that virginity is a crime. A quick fix would be dressing her as if she were 18 and letting her go to the movies with her other "prosta-tot" friends.. Oh and it is very good to have 20 kids.. The more overpopulated the better!

6] Be very sure to move directly from Halloween to Christmas..

7] Never ever let the past be history. Take the holocost for exapmle. In order to be a good American, you have to believe that the Holocost only affected Jews.. Who cares that Czhechoslovakia was completely leveled?? Also, you have to always talk about it year after year and never let it go. Recently a new trend has begun. It is now very important to mention the world trade center bombing every day, after all, America IS the only country that ever gets terrorist attacks.

In conclusion, SpongeBob for President!

-Rat

02.12.02 - 2003!!!! The beefy Movie year - Elfstomper

Well, here we are. Less then 30 days left in 2002. Since this year isn't being labeled with any fashionable names like Y2k, 2k2 or rtns5niner, we are going to at least need to have some really good new-years resolutions, or 2003 will just be a repeat of 1993 and 1983. Both of which were really crappy years. Trust me, they were! Help me end the years of the 3's by joining me in dubbing the year 2003 as "the beefy Movie year". Because Unlike The other 3's this year actually will have movies you must see. Unless ET came out in 83. I think that was 84 because that was actually a cool year.But im too lazy to research it. The only excuse for missing the beefy movies is either being dead or in jail, and if your in jail, BREAK OUT!!! (SimpsonS

With that being said, heres a list of things I wish to accomplish throughout the beefy Movie year.

1. This december marks the release of the "Back to the Future" triolgy on DVD. I plan on purchasing this DVD and watching it almost to the point of failing out of school. To insure I wont get bored too easily, Im going to make a few drinks with POPOV before every viewing

2. December 18th of this year is a very special day. If you dont know why then you obviously could care less about Lord of the Rings. If this is the case then I wish the largest kidney stone ever recorded on to you. I want to watch this movie a good 365 times ,once for every day they made us wait since the last one. After thats done I plan on going into a coma untill the DvD is released. When i come out of the coma, I want to watch the DVD once and then put it away and begin pinning over the release of Return of the King"

3. Not that it has anything to do with movies, Brittany Spears just turned 21 , and if that isnt a good enough reason to finally see those mamatories then I don't know what is.Now like me, she can get all liquored up and run around naked. Hey , Its as good a reason as any. Brittany you better check your boobs pretty often during the beefy movie year cause the next thing you see on them may be my hand. If you dont like that idea then you better do playboy or something. That way I can touch them without leaving the house!

4. Im having pretty extensive jaw surgery this summer. But I dont care if I have blood, teeth and other viceral goodies leaking out of my mouth, Nothing is stopping me from seeing Matrix Reloaded and Terminator 3. Come hell or high water or below 32 degree windchills [ I dont like cold OK?] in june ,Im going to the movies!!!!!

5. O( hehe im attempting to do 5 in orange. Did it work? you be the judge. probobly not. Ok Fine laugh at me!! good I hope you feel better now. Wish number 5 would be just to plain ol' stay alive. Reason enough- next year The third part of the matrix trilogy will be out -Well its rumored ,as alwaus i'm just too lazy to check the validity. In addition the third Harry Potter Movie and of coarse the third installment of Lord of the Rings. Ahh all threes in 2003. Wait I hate 3's! Ol its gonna be the beefy Lord of the Rings, beefy Harry Potter and Beefy Matrix!!!!

So many entertaining beefy aspects, I cant wait till next year. But fear not there is still reason to keep this year around! The Two towers? no but great guess. Actually I plan on writing a post about Seaquest DSV. Will ward off my lazyness and do it? mabey .. only time will tell.

Elf -- Watching Michael J Fox Go Back- Back to the future

30.11.02 - How to make your own Billboard Top 10 Pop/Rap song - Elfstomper

While working at the famous Lowes Theater on Friday, my head was full of ways to make money. Most of those ideas were keys to some sweet, sweet illegal buisness but there was one that stood out above the rest. One that couldn't go ignored. Making a top 10 pop/rap song.
If I you really want to know where this idea came from, you would have to see A. my brain. B. that cheezy new show with that Texas judge and C. my balls. I mean, any rap/pop/dance song out there in the media. The evil, evil vindictive media. Well anyway, pay attention kiddies, as big daddy Elfstomper is about to make you a rap/pop star.
Fact- Just about anyone who can go to the bathroom independently can "Rap". Freestlying is slightly different. Only slightly more talented people can bust out an ongoing rhyme and have it sound good. Unfortunately, most freestylers these days dont rap. They talk. and they think they are superstars. I call these people "asswads". Another fact is that most rap we are unfortunate enough to hear these days is fabricated in studios. And thus we have the plethora of retards who think they are "artists" and assault our eyes and ears in nearly every facet of the media. " Man dis sucks! I can't even get a job at McDonalds because my english is so encrypted,so im gonna make Millions of dollars from my even more retarded fans by talking into a micro-phone." (thus, the modern rapper is born. keep in mind the bulk of todays rappers are too stupid to use such heavy words. They are much more likely to use words like Hizzy, Jigga and Gizzor.)

Well here it is , instuctions on what to do to make your own top ten rap/pop song.

1. Record a 3-5 minute conversation with your girlfriend.
2. Use a lot of swearwords and sexual references. Dont forget to use
the words eat, pussy (or twat) and any word that rhymes with IZZA
in rapid succession.
3. Take any of your favorite video game noises or parts of your
favorite 80's songs to use as "background music."
4. Have a friend or sibling insert a full track of his or her
voice into the background of the conversation while-(cough)- singing
a variety of the words What, Yeah and Uhh-Huh. Loud ridiculous
sounds also work well in moderation.
5. Cut a Cd. Quality dosent matter as your "work" is complete crap
anyway. Million dollar crap. Good quality is important on the CD
because morons with 90,000 decible stereo systems will blast it past
your house at 2:30 a.m. Ya know, because they are too cool for
you. Cover art is imporatnt also. Like most Rappers, you can easily
get away with a real piss-poor photoshop rendering of your face,
with o' so fashionable gold and platnum (rot-look) teeth,
Cash, gold bullion, an Suv that would explode if actually taken off
road, A platnum Necklace 40 times too big for your neck that
usually sports something absurd like Micky Mouse or a big platinum
tank (ha! that would scare the iraqis) and it wouldnt be complete
without some incredibly busted woman in a latex, one-piece, pink jumper
who herself is 80% plastic. (and her ass usually looks like she has
two volvos in her rump area.) Yeah its a huge run on sentence , but
hey were talking about rapping what does grammar have to do with it?
6. Get it to Radio, to producers, then sit back and let the BLING
Bling fly in! just make sure to sell it so you can actually do
something useful with the money, like by people things or
invest it.
Its only a matter of time till your doing "duets" with other rappers now! Youre on the fast track to millions and dont actually have to do any "work". WOOO HOOOOOO! arn't you glad you saw this post?
Ohh yeah I almost forgot , you will need a rap name. Just pull out a dictionary , close your eyes, then take the first 3 letters of what ever word your finger is on , double them up and put lil' Big or Masta or something infront of it . Mine is Big Masta BacBac.If that dosent work, just pick a word and bastardize it. As an exapmle, take backwards- it would be BAKWORDZ See, now im a rapper. And if I have a kid, Flipper baby mutant or not, hes gonna be a rapper too, even if he is mute. And remeber kids, No matter how ugly you are, as long as you "rap" youll get any girl that hears you. Its like some kind of sick Demonic siren call. Thats just how it works in the rap/pop industry. Good luck with those millions people!!!
--Elf

25.11.02 - holy mother of pearl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pt.1 - reptillikus

Yesterday i learned a very important lesson:
Bronco's do not float.
I went out wheelin with Steve (he has a '86 F150, with a 3" bodylift, and 33" BFG AT's), as well as Joe (on quad) and a couple other people on quads, down off of exit 58 on the parkway. Screwin around, climbing hills, charging through mud puddles...you know.. the usual, off-pavement stuff. Steve actually ramped up one hill, got the truck airborne, (at about a 60� angle), and then off the top, and down at about as steep an angle. That psycho!
Well, as we were cruising around, we came up to this patch of grass that was under water. Both me and Steve were playin around in the edge of it, but not going too deep in. Well, eventually, we stopped, and were ust kind of staring at the water. Eventually, some other guys we were out with showed up. Steve started tearing up the mud, and that got me to thinking.....'how deep can this stuff be? I mean, i can see grass stickign up in the middle of it, so it cant be more than a foot or two.' Well, eventually, stupididty got the better of me, and i decided i was going to try and cross it. So i hopped in, floored it, and off i went! I was goin pretty good too! For a while, anyway. Then, the truck started to slow up. That when i realized i was about to get stuck, so i quickly tried to stop, and back out. No good! I was stuck!!!! So i figured, well, the water's pretty deep, i better turn off the engine.That was when i realized that the truck was sitting on an angle, with the passenger side lower by about 8 inches. Then i heard gurgling. Water was coming in under the passenger door! Shit! It must have been pretty funny to see me climb halfway out my window to yell 'I need a towstrap fast! Im taking on water!!!!'
Steve jumped in his truck to go get me, but only got halfway to me before he got stuck, too. Hey, who knew that my truck was that damn good in the mud?!
Well, at this time Joe realized we were going to need his truck (91 F250, w/ 285 MTR's) so he went back to the sand pit to get it. At this point, the water elvel was reaching the bottom of the passenger bucket seat. Steve hopped into the freezing-beyond-belief-cold water to get a strap on the front of his truck, so we could hook it my hitch. But it wasnt long enough. Joe returned with his truck, which had my box in it. He grabbed my recovery strap, which we hooked up to Steve's, but it still wasnt long enough to reach my truck from his. At this point in time, the water level inside the cab was up the the glovebox on the passenger side, and up to the parking brake pedal on the drivers side. Joe got out my tow strap, which we hooked to my hitch (which was under about 3 feet of freezing-cold-beyond-belief water), and attached to the second strap comgin from Steve's truck. Just long enough! Joe grabbed his rope, and Steve tied it to the rear of his truck. Joe hooked up, and tried pulling us both out. He actually managed to move us about 3-4 feet before he ran out of traction and started spinning tires. Fortunately, this was enough to get me far enough out that the water started draining out of the interior of the truck. Then the state trooper that was sittnig there laughing called for a tow truck. So we sat. Of course, they sent a flatbed, which obviously wasnt going to work, so they sent in another one. This one was a humongous wrecker. After bitching for a bit, he hooked up to the rope attached to Steves truck, and began to pull him, but on a stupid angle, and ended up ripping the rear crossmember partially off of his truck. This also ended up breaking the wires controlling his brake lights. Well, after trying this for a while, and almosy rolling Steve's truck, he decides to do it the right way, and pulls him from behind. Both of our trucks came out fine! Gee, why not do that the first time? well, my exhasut was leaking alot of water. I tried cranking it once, but it would go, so Steve pulled me till we got out of the gates for the wuarry. There was tried to get it running, but to no avail. So he towed me to the street, where i managed to convince AAA that i died, so theyd tow me home for free.
After about an hour, and a trip to a chinese restaurant, the flatbed showed up. Well, he truned out to be a pretty cool guy, and towed me home, despite the fact that it was pretty obvious (there was still water running out from under the doors and the exhaust) that the truck didnt die on the street.
When we got near exit 80 or so, Steve blew a tire, so we had to pull over so i could climb up into my truck to get my hi-lift, so we could jack teh truck up. The driver later told us that we did it pretty much in record time (take that, nascar!). While i doubt he felt like helping, he at least was nice enoguh to illuminate the rear of the truck for us. With that delay, we were now able to continue onwards, and home! The rest of the trip was flawless, as we encountered no more problems. he dumped the truck at the bottom of the driveway for me, where it sat, dripping, until this morning.

25.11.02 - holy mother of pearl!!!!!!!!!!!!!! pt.2 - reptillikus

So this morning i began the overhaul of the truck, to prep it for its restart. First things first, check the air intake. The filter was still soggy and brown, so that will be replaced tomorrow. The throttle body was surprisingly clean. There was no water in the upper half of the intake, only the lower. Then i drained the oil. Now, water is heavier than oil, so if there was any water in it, it would all settle to the bottom of the oil pan. Sure enough, when i removed the drain plug, water came out first, then milky oil, and then mostly-normal oil. While that was draining, i checked my transfer case. No water in here! Then i checked my front axle. Nope, no water here, either! Apparently my extended vent lines did their job! By this time, the oil was done draining, so i put the plug back in, and refilled it with oil. Then i checked the tranny dipstick, which had teeny beads of water on it, so i figured i should change that, too. So i hiked to the farm to get bryan's truck to go to Madison. There i picked up a tranny service kit (pan gasket, filter, and filter gasket) and 12 quarts of tranny fluid. Changing tranny fluid is a pain in the ass! Messy, but i got it done. Turns out there was such a small amount of water in there, that it barely amounted to 5 or 6 drops of water. By now Al had shown up, and he helped me out with a few things to get it finished. One last inspection showed there to still be a small amount of water in the distributor, so i cleaned that out, and was ready to try to start it!
Well, it cranked waayyy to slow to start. I tried to jump it, but it barely helped. A load-test on the battery confirmed that it was infact quite low on voltage. I brought it in the garage, and left it on charge for two or three hours.
Went inside and played Contra: Shattered Soldier until the battery charger claimed the battery was fully charged. Another load-test confirmed that it would hold a steady 11 volts, which i figured might be enough to start it.
Close, but not enough juice to get it going. Al pulled his car back around, and we jumped it. It cranked like a mofo for about a minute, all the while spewing water out the exhaust. Then, like magic, it came to life! WOOOOHOOOOOOOO! Slightly rough idle, but otherwise ok. Let it idle for about 5 minutes, revving it once and a while. Sounded ok, so i took it for a test drive. Sure enough, it ran ok! Back to the driveway. Let it idle for a few, and turned it off. Tried turning it back on, and it roared to life! Now all thats left is to strip the interior, as it is all quite soggy and muddy still. But, it runs!!!

	13.03.03 - douchebag - reptillikus
	people are retarted. thank you. this has been a test of the forensick serivce announcement. Had this actually been an emergency, this message would have been followed by a recording of me telling you that you are a moron really, really loudly. Thank you.